Therrysays.com

Someone told me that life is like a game; if you broke down and cried or you ever felt lonely, you’ve lost the game.

Well that was how I felt on Friday. I felt like a big fat failure who had not only lost the game but on top of that, had no idea whatsoever about what I should do for my life. Other people had everything figured out, but I felt like I was lost and clueless and it scared the freaking bejesus out of me to know that I was pretty much going with no direction - no job, no career, nowhere to go.

I applied for a job vacancy at a banking company and they asked me to come for a psycho-test last Friday. Not that I never had it before, because I did, and I didn’t pass. And the second time around I didn’t get lucky. I got fucked over actually, because not only did I not pass, I didn’t even pass the first stage of the test. There were about ten people who did the tests and there were three who didn’t pass, and I was one of them.

I felt like such a loser - “Hey look at me, I’m an overseas graduate who had spend six years of her life living abroad and I couldn’t even pass the first stage of a stupid psycho test.”

I didn’t exactly break down and cry and I sure hoped that I did because maybe that would make me feel a lot more relieved. The fact that I couldn’t even bring myself to cry was something to worry about. Unlike any other normal female being who was dying to talk about her problems to others just so she could feel better about it, I closed myself out from the rest of the world and hibernated at home, watching DVDs non-stop and trying not to think about anything except the movies I was watching at. I slept for eighteen hours and felt like shit when I woke up because the first thing that came onto my mind was, “I failed that stupid psycho-test”, period.

For others, this may seem like a no biggie, but it is to me, because I failed it - for the second time. I felt as if my whole life’s worth of academic background and effort was thrown out of the window and I got stamped ‘Not good enough’ on the forehead just because I didn’t pass the test.

The whole thing got me thinking over and reassessed myself on what was it that I was lacking of, and I still had no clue. Even if I bought ‘Psycho Test for Dummies’ (which I did) and did all the exercises with the stopwatch and all, I still don’t think I could pass the test. The questions were ridiculous I sucked and cringed on the math part of the test, or any tests in that matter.

I don’t know how they could possibly sum up a person’s character and attributes and I just don’t see how those things were enough to measure up someone’s capability. I felt like I was simply being dismissed because I was not given the chance to shine.

I was confident that I could do anything that I set my mind to. My friends told me that I was a girl with many talents. My ruthless English teacher in high school, whom everyone was scared shitless with, told me that I was a blazing under a bushel, and that I would shine wherever I was.

I was dying to believe those words so much, and deep inside I knew that they were somewhat true, yet what happened on Friday seemed to make me falter even more. I appeared to fail on both accounts - failed on the test and failed to see that I was special enough to be given the chance - on anything.

Aaliyah told me to dust myself off and try again. Des’ree urged me to be strong and tough. Mum advised me that maybe this was just not for me, and that many others would come and God was trying to test me to see whether I would crumble or clamber up.

So today I dug up old letters from my friends and families and found out some stuff from high school - papers that we wrote to each other anonymously, telling each others about the good things that they were. The words ‘talented’ and ‘gifted’ came out a lot, and I realized that if these people had that much faith in me, then why couldn’t I feel the same? Maybe I didn’t fail on the test but I failed to see myself the way others did. Maybe other people didn’t underestimate me but I underestimated myself. I didn’t believe I was good enough to be given the chance. I have been hiding under the bushel, still, after so many years.

I didn’t realise that chance don’t just fall on my lap, but it’s something I got to discover myself. I simply cannot give up knowing that I can do better than this and just because I failed on something it doesn’t make me a failure. I’m just a girl with her own limitations but I know that there are some things I do that others can’t do.

They can jostle me with all the bizarre questions and math problems in the world and I still won’t be able to answer correctly to any of them but those things will not make me feel less of myself. It doesn’t matter that some people don’t know how special I am, but there will be many other people who will see to that and they will let me shine, whenever and wherever I am.

This piece is dedicated to Judeline Wadhwani, wherever you are - I finally get it now. it took me years to find out what it means but I hope it’s not too late. Thank you.

This entry was posted Sunday, October 2nd, 2005 at 2:44 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.