Are You Strong Enough?
There is certain tiredness in all of us that sometimes manage to make us feel down and helpless. It’s not so much of a physical thing but more like an emotional black hole that makes us feel somewhat empty and lost.
How did life become so difficult to live? I always wonder what keeps everyone going, day by day, doing things that they are doing. The people I see on the bus, getting up at 4:30 am everyday to get to work and slave themselves off for whatever it is that drive them to do so - is it money, career, or family? At the end of the day, when they are stuck in the traffic jam, I wonder what goes on in their minds.
When I was carpooling on my way home from work, sometimes I’d observe the faces of the people who were falling asleep in front of me - and I felt such sympathy and compassion that was strangely familiar. The tired, wary expressions that made them look older than they were supposed to. The knowledge that tomorrow would be yet the same. When will it ever stop?
I don’t want to end up like them - having mundane jobs where they end up feeling exhausted by the time they hit the sack at the end of the day, as if life is spent working their arses off for things that are not quite substantial as they seem.
But time rolls by, and fear clutches me right in, that I might end up worse than them. All the jobs interviews I’d been, all the tests I’d failed, all the work and traveling I’d done, all the relationships I’d come to compromise, all the good things I tried to do and all the bad things I’d seemed to enjoy doing - all of them appear to have come to no point yet no end either.
I am tired and worn out. All the energy seems to be draining out of me; I can’t find the strength to even cry my heart out the way I used to. All there is to it is this emptiness that leaves me awake in the dead of the night.
In times like this, I wish I was back into being a little girl who could cuddle up to my mother’s arms and fall asleep, not worrying about anything at all.
Not having to think about career, jobs, boyfriend, dieting, etc., etc.
Not having to give reasons to be loved, but just simply loved for being me.
October 11th, 2005 at 9:56 pm
Life is meant to be difficult. For me, its 80% sadness, disappointment, hardship and only 20% happiness.
October 11th, 2005 at 9:57 pm
That is the same fear that I face. I never want to end up like that.
But perhaps, our living experience overseas has raised the expectation bar a few notches up? And that is why we feel that we’re better than just that?
I think our perspective in life would be so different if we hadn’t gone and lived overseas Ther.
October 11th, 2005 at 10:00 pm
I know Rin. Life is so much easier overseas, while everything seems so….depressing here.