Driving Was My Milestone

I was chatting with Syl and she happened to ask casually, whether I was driving now, to which I said yes, and she got miffed because I didn’t tell her, considering it was – I couldn’t have put it any better myself – a Milestone.

I was about to say that it wasn’t really a big deal when it suddenly came to my mind that it was, really, a milestone.

I mean I always felt proud because I was capable of driving, but I just thought that if I mentioned that to anyone then they would just think I was being silly – since everybody could drive, so it wasn’t like a talent or something.

So I was glad to know that someone would understand that even a small accomplishment – like being able to drive – was still something to be rewarded of. It doesn’t matter what people think about it; whether or not it was something grand – but it’s what it means for each individual to overcome that hurdle.

I was glad that she recognized that feeling to; and it was nice to know that there were people who felt proud of me achieving things that mean a lot to me.

Sometimes I think I was being too hard on myself – I push myself too much. But in the end I get more exhausted. Similar to trying to drive faster and end up broke because you keep spending money to buy petrol that is much wasted on the “speeding up” trips.

I even forgot the fact that for someone like me, to be able to drive a manual car and arrive safe and sound to my destinations could be considered as God-given miracles; and there I was trying to speed up, forgetting to appreciate the fact that being able to drive and having access to A car was already something to make my life a lot easier.

I didn’t have to catch public transport. I didn’t have to be squashed in in a car full of sweaty people and being sweaty myself. That I could go to places I wanted. That I could put on my music as loud as I wanted. That I had, somehow, achieved one of the many things I wanted to achieve in life – and that was driving and listening to trance and simply enjoy the feeling of independence and solitude.

So I got excited to think that, hey, this wasn’t so bad, it was easy. I could achieve the other stuff too. And somehow life seemed a lot better – and hopeful. You just gotta see that through someone else’s eyes before you can realize it yourself, and that your accomplishments, no matter how big or small, matters.

The Scary World of Dating

There was an episode in SATC where Carrie had become cynical and losing hope in the dating world and her good friend Charlotte had to drag her to a love seminar in hoping to bring back her optimism.

I’m in that Carrie stage now.

Except that in the episode, she was 36. And I’m 24. That’s 12 years earlier, in case you haven’t noticed. In any normal circumstances I would prefer not to be cynical and pessimistic when I am only in my twenties.

So in manner of a Carrie-voice-over, “I can’t help but wonder:” What is it about dating that made me feel less optimistic to a point where I become cynical?

Right now, I just can’t picture anything good about being in a relationship. Yes, I get a tad bit lonely sometimes, but still I prefer being lonely on my own rather than being lonely when I’m in a relationship.

Charlotte once complained, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen, I’m tired, where IS he???”

I might be the most un-Charlotte person in the world, but I have the same question looming around in my head for quite some time and it’s been going on in there for as long as I could remember.

Dating, for me, has become so tiring, so confusing and so much of an effort to work up to, and yet I don’t know whether it’s going to go for the long haul or die away like the others.

That’s the thing about dating – it’s so uncertain. It either lifts you up in a second or smash you down to the ground – or both. In most cases, both of them happen.

Like every other self-respecting women I know, I’ve been told that my standard in men is set just a bit too high for anyone’s liking. Which is why, apparently, I’m still single. Although I really don’t think so, really, it’s their standard that is set too low, but I’m an oddball so there you go. Well, I’m sorry, but I believe that Sinatra had a point when he sang “All or Nothing at all”. I don’t like going half-way or accepting something just because it’s available or because it’s second best, because in the end, it’s my happiness that’s being put on the front line and of course we all know that it takes two to tango. If I’m not happy then for sure the other party will be as unhappy as I am.

I fear that I’m starting to lose hope in searching for the one who is just right, the one who is the other part of me, the one who will be my next great love.

Ah yes. Love. See, that’s a tricky word right there. If anyone asked me whether I have been in love, I would say yes. And if they asked how many times, I would say once. And one is the number I’m sticking to, so far. And if anyone asked whatever happened to it, the only way that I can answer is by shrugging my shoulders and say that it didn’t work out. Which is just another way of saying “I don’t feel like explaining it to you because I don’t think you’ll get it”.

So yes, love turns out, doesn’t conquer all. It will be damn foolish to think so, because I’ve seen way too many relationships that started with love and end up with not much else. I’ve had three guys declared their loves to me. None of them quite lived up to the expectations.
Yes, of course it’s important; I’m not saying it isn’t. But it’s definitely, if not most certainly, not enough. It is a basic of a start of a relationship and if that’s all you got, then it’s barely sufficient.

And I really think that before you love someone you must be able to love yourself first.

As Carrie says, the most important relationship that you have is of you and yourself, “…and if you find someone who loves the you, you love, well that is just fabulous.”

Fed Up

I hate work. I hate being at work.
I hate having to work hard on something and feeling proud about it and it being rejected because of one small, meaningless thing that is supposed to mean something.

I hate feeling so depreciated. Like what I do don’t mean shit.

I hate the people at work.

I hate having to be nice and polite to everyone, including those that I absolutely loathe. I even hate having to be nice and polite, in general.
The way people talk here redefines the whole meaning of ‘socialising’ – putting other people down, stabbing each other behind their backs, badmouthing people just they are different, sniggering and giving shits at those who make mistakes, even though everyone make mistakes.
All the gossiping, the easy comments that are supposed to be jokes. The fucking jokes, for God’s sake. It gets kinda old after a while.

I feel like screaming to the whole lot of them.

I want to tell them to fuck off and leave me be.