Therrysays.com

Two years ago, I wrote about my tendency to compare current boyfriend to the ex. I didn’t know that many people did this as well, until my friends kindly pointed it out to me.

Now I know why it happened - even if I did it absent-mindedly. Deep down in my heart, a lot deeper than I dared to admit, I knew that the person that I was being with at that time was not the right one for me. It wasn’t fair on him and it definitely wasn’t fair on me either.

Because I wanted someone extra-ordinary. Sue me for wanting something so far beyond the reach, but I believe this is what everyone yearns and long for, even if their hearts have been bruised and broken to pieces for so many times.

The difference is that back then it hadn’t even crossed my mind to think that I could believe in something that seems so unattainable. That was why I always ended up settling for second bests - thinking it was okay for not being treated exactly the way I wanted to and that I would prefer to be a part of a couple rather than sitting at home alone on Saturday nights and flicking furiously over the TV channels.

But when you are being with the wrong person, there are so many signs telling you that it isn’t right.

Like always feeling lonely even if he is right beside you.
Or missing him purely out of physical presence but when you meet him and all the missing is done, there is nothing left for you to feel.
Always wanting to work things out - or even struggling to make things work, even though deep down you are exhausted by it.
Feeling exasperated for not being able to understand what goes on in his mind, and not being able to communicate the way you want to that you end up consulting those who are closest to you for some answers.
Reading so many self-help books on love and in the end feeling even more confused than before. And even if there is nothing specifically wrong with your relationship, you still feel hollow inside.

Like wearing a dress that somewhat doesn’t fit you right - the arm-holes being too high, or the waist a tad bit too tight, or the sleeves too firm to your liking. And no matter what alterations you’ve done to it, you are still not satisfied with it. That upon finding the dress and knowing that it’s not for you, you go a head and purchase it anyway, simply because you want it so bad to be yours. Until you realize that what you are wearing is probably reserved for someone else, not you.

Sometimes this realization hits you hard in the heart, and when I think of the people around me having had to mend their broken hearts because of having to make so many alterations to their hearts, it pains me to know that I am powerless to prevent them from hurting, when all I can do is say soothing words and let them take their lives to their own courses.

Maybe it’s just my own selfish reaction to things - I want to prevent what could have gone wrong. Let it only be me who have done it, experienced it, lived it and went through it. But I know that’s not how life works. Everyone must go through their own ups and downs to truly learn what they really want. But still - I feel so helpless.

If Faith is so easy to gather, I could have stayed in the right track. I could have saved myself from the histories of life I wish had never happened, of which I am still ashamed of up to this day. If Faith could have saved me earlier, I would have not done the things that I would regret.

But Faith only comes when you are sitting in your bed in the darkness of the night, when all things around you seem dead and lifeless, and you are crying for no reason but the sadness within you that doesn’t seem to want to go away. When you feel that nothing can save you. No one is hearing you. When you feel completely, heartbreakingly alone. Just a tiny speckle of dust in this immensely frightful world.

I don’t think people are afraid of being alone. It’s not the feeling of loneliness that frightens them, but the feeling that they are not understood. That there is no one out there who can see them for who they are. That they are born into this world for a lifelong journey in search for their other halves, because only through those people that they can see themselves clearly and find their purpose in life.

But I did not know all this before. All I knew was that I had to keep hoping, no matter how insignificant it might seem to me. Having parents who no longer speak to each other let alone live under the same roof, being stuck to a dead-end job and feeling worthless because the overseas degree that I earned didn’t prepare me for the ruthless life of the politics at work, and having no sense of purpose whatsoever in my life - it was hard for me to stay positive.

But I started by saying thank you - for everything. For such a beautiful morning. For all the food I was blessed to have. For having a job. For not being disabled. For being alive.

I knew of this - I wasn’t tired of life. I just didn’t want to go through it alone. I might have ignored the presence of something greater than me, hovering about and waiting patiently for me to ask for help. And I was thankful that I didn’t leave it out too late.

And I finally recognized it - all this time my hand was being held. That I have something in me that is more magnificent than anything else. Although it could not be seen to the naked eyes, it felt incredibly real right up to my solar plexus.

And that, is Faith.

This entry was posted Friday, November 2nd, 2007 at 1:37 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.