The Big Three-Oh
I used to think that by the time I hit 30, I’d be having my own business, preferrably a hotel or a villa, in a fuck-off location somewhere in Bali, and I’d be making paintings or doing something related to art, as well as having the best time of my life. Bear in mind that was when I was still in my twenties, so being naive and silly and all, I actually thought it was achievable, similar to thinking that “If Britney Spears could be successful then so could I” and the logic that if one had the voice and the talent to make that much money in such a short time, one would be very rich in no time, was missed on me.
Am I disappointed?
Well, no. Not really. Sort of, I guess. Disappointed in a way that in ten more years I’ll be 40 and even now that I am 30 I’m starting to feel the physical changes that I didn’t think (or didn’t want to think) could happen to me – how scarily easy it is to put on weight and how fucking hard it is to lose it, wrinkles appearing in the most unappealing places on my face, love handles on my midriff, flabby arms, freckles and uneven skin tone… all the while looking at myself and thinking, “Fuck, I AM getting old.”
But why does the physical stuff bothers me so? Because now I’ve set my goal ten years further, and in ten years time I still have to work hard to be able to make my dreams come true. I still want to live in Bali, in a remote, fuck-off location faraway from all this madness I am living at the moment. But I also worry whether I still have the energy and the strength to do it, since I am not getting any younger, and there is still so much work to do.
Every single day, when I drive to and from work, the only thing that crosses my mind when I am surrounded by the iron jungle is, “Someday, I’ll get the fuck out of here.”
But when will that someday be? Sometimes when I am feeling insecure and missing Bali so much, I’d nag my husband and ask him, “Do you really think we’d be able to retire there?” and he, the ever optimistic, would answer without fail; “Yes.”
The insecurity comes every now and then when I hear or read about property prices in Bali being so expensive and I can only think in despair, “There’s NO WAY we’d get to save that much money in ten years.”
Being 30 also means facing the fact that my parent is getting old. I’m all used to taking dad to and from hospital when he is having one of his usual illness – tick as preferred; gout, high blood pressure, heart problem, gastric ulcer. And then my mother will wildly appears and stirs problems and make our lives shit all over again.
It’s just so… tiring.
With all the things that are happening, is it any wonder that people choose to forget about their dreams and settle for what they have?
But I think that is the scariest part of getting old – forgetting our dreams, our hopes, the things that motivate and drive us to work hard while we still have our youths – settling for second best.
My dreams are the only things that are keeping me alive and running – even on my worst days, I will always have it in me.
Someday…
4 comments
its like you are writing down what’s in my mind Ther..except about your husband and parents thingy..
“My dreams are the only things that are keeping me alive and running – even on my worst days, I will always have it in me.”– aku padamu Ther, muachhh
and me to you, Wien… :-*
therry´s last [type] ..The Big Three-Oh
i hope you will get your dreams ther
boy´s last [type] ..Some updates, and also short review on Fuji X Pro-1
thank you Boy… wow we haven’t seen each other for ages!
therry´s last [type] ..The Big Three-Oh