Although it has been made into an annual festival where the whole world is festooned with pink hearts, teddy bears emblazoning ‘I love you’ on its chest and many, many heart-shaped chocolate boxes and cupid ornaments, the choice to celebrate should be personal and private.

But even though there are those who aren’t making a big deal out of it, they can’t avoid seeing how this global phenomenon has affected almost everything – since the later days of January and you would have seen shops offering Valentine’s Day special sale, television stations advertising special Valentine’s Day movies and moreover, the movement of Indonesian cinematography which had established the embracement of Valentine’s Day in Indonesia by showing romantic-themed movies with the words of ‘Love’ and ‘Cinta; variedly thrown into the titles.

Thus the image of Valentine’s Day is reverberated as a commercial exploitation where people are encouraged to spend money, either to buy gifts or dinner, and all for the name of Love.

When I used to be single, I dreaded this day – I admit I was somewhat affected by it. I was worried about ‘the question’ that I would get asked for, in which I couldn’t find a genuine response other by retorting Valentine’s Day as a way for Hallmark to make more profit from innocent people who are glorifying the day to be special, even though secretly I would love to get flowers and gifts from that special person whom I love – because what girl wouldn’t?

Perhaps my wish had finally come true, because my beau happens to be a romantic person.

At the early dates of courting, we often wrote letters to each other and although naturally I would recoil from any guy who ever dared to recite poetry to me, I love all the little notes and poems that he sent me. I felt comfortable to be given the romantic treatment, when beforehand I thought it was just silly. Perhaps the reason why I was cynical was due to the fact that I had been disappointed over so many times in my previous relationship that it became hard for me to open up and start to trust again, until I realized that it was all a part of a journey which led me to meet my other half.

So today, we celebrated Valentine’s Day by having dinner together, which was the cherry on top of the day, as I had been genuinely surprised by the white roses bouquet that he presented to me in the afternoon. I didn’t think he would go to so much trouble because we always express our love whenever we can, either by hugs, kisses or a simple ‘I love you’ which we say straight to each other or sent to text messages.

While we were enjoying our dinner, there was a nearby table full of girls having a good time by generally laughing and joking to each other, that somehow reminded me of the day when I used to go out with my girlfriends to brave ourselves off of the harmful side effects of Valentine’s Day. But the image got ruined completely when I saw the whole lot of them teasing one of the waiters who were serving their table, and in return making him feel slightly uncomfortable and perplexed as being forced to have conversations with the customers.

My amusement didn’t stop there, as I saw one of the girls pulling out a Milk Tray box and proffered them to the poor waiter to have one, in which the whole teasing and flirting activity would start off again. It got even worse when a waitress came over to clean up their table and she good-humouredly asked “So where are your boyfriends tonight, girls?”, in which, one of them retorted loudly, “Hare gene punya cowok (Who needs a boyfriend)?”

I do hope that I was much better behaved back then when I was single and fabulous (exclamation mark!). And yet I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for them because who knew what pressure they had to endure, what with everyone asking them the question and the world urging everyone to brighten up their days in pink ornaments – it must had been quite cumbersome nevertheless. But then again, it is back to a person’s choice whether or not he or she decides to let Valentine’s Day and its pink paraphernalia affect their mood.

As for me, it has been a very good day indeed, regardless of the fact that it is Valentine’s Day or not, because one does not need an excuse to express his or her love – as what Nike always says, just do it!

On a lighter note, it is also Micah’s birthday today (I really should name him Micah Valentine), so we got him two pieces of A&W fried chicken, all for himself!

Last but not least, I would like to say Happy Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate and happy birthday to my beautiful mini dachshund, Micah!

Recently I’d been busy pampering myself – deep conditioning my hair and tomato masking my face and just recently, body scrubbing my body all over. I just didn’t want to look shabby in front of my future in-laws. Though my beau kept telling me that I looked nice already, I go, “Yeah well I just want to look nicer. What if they saw me and they think I look shabby?”

And I hadn’t even gone through the clothing attires yet. I wondered how much of a freak I’d be when I get to that point. I imagined I’d drive himself crazy going, “Is this nice? What about this, will this go with the meet-the-parents theme thing? This top is not too tight, izzit?”

Sometimes, we fear so much of what others think about us, even though most of the time we don’t even know those people that well. And we tend to forget about the one who is closest to us, who will think of us as a goddess no matter what state we’re in.

When he finally said, “Hunny just relax. As soon as we get there I’m gonna take you out to the best noodle restaurant, and then we’d go eat here…. and there …. and to that restaurant where we can see the whole city from the top…. and the one near the beach …I can’t wait to take you around and show my city to you!”

I gasped and go,”Ohmigod. I’m gonna put on so much weight!”

Sigh. Women.

Boro-boro gandengan tangan, saling ngeliat satu sama lain aja nggak mau. Pemandangan yang paling mengenaskan yang sering saya dapatkan adalah di restoran-restoran dimana sepasang pria dan wanita saling makan tanpa adanya interaksi sedikit pun diantara mereka. Kontras sekali dengan anak-anak ABG yang kalau pacaran masih ngobrol ngalor ngidul sembari ketawa-ketiwi, pasangan-pasangan ini bahkan tidak sedikitpun saling melihat ataupun bertukar kata. Benar-benar penganut silence is golden sejati.

Kemarin ini saya sempat main ke Grand Indonesia – shopping centre sekelas Plaza Indonesia yang banyak toko-toko elit-nya – dan saya kembali mendapatkan pemandangan yang sama. Kali ini di eskalator, dimana seorang cewek berambut panjang yang cantik dan modis berdiri di belakang cowoknya, sementara cowoknya sibuk melihat-lihat sekeliling mall. Tentu saja mereka sama sekali nggak sedang gandengan. Saya saja sampai kasihan melihat ekspresi si cewek – meskipun cantik, kelihatan banget kalau dia sedang bete.

Perihal cowok yang matanya jelalatan sih saya sudah hapal banget. Hampir setiap kali saya jalan di mal, selalu saja ada cowok yang sibuk checking-out cewek lain, sementara ceweknya sendiri yang berada disampingnya malah dianggurin. Sepertinya si cewek pun tahu kelakuan cowoknya ini tapi dia memilih untuk diam aja, yang membuat saya terheran-heran. Bagi saya kelakuan cowok macam ini benar-benar unacceptable. Mungkin boleh lah ngeliat-liat sekali-kali, tapi kalau berkali-kali? Kalau soal dianggurin dan males digandeng sama pasangan, saya sendiri sudah pernah ngerasain, dan seperti layaknya cewek-cewek lain, hal itu bikin saya jadi super-bete! Tapi mau protes pun enggan karena takut dikira posesif dan cemburuan!

Sewaktu saya masih jadi karyawan, saya sering nebeng pulang dengan teman saya yang suaminya juga kerja di perusahaan yang sama. Waktu itu teman saya sedang hamil tua, udah gitu perawakannya itu pendek kecil dan imut-imut – saya saja nggak tega ngeliatnya, karena sepertinya dia itu ringkih banget. Yang aneh, kalau teman saya sedang berjalan dengan suaminya, mereka nggak pernah berbarengan. Suaminya bisa berada dua hingga tiga meter jauhnya di depan, sementara teman saya yang perutnya lagi buncit banget itu mengikuti pelan-pelan di belakang. Pemandangan ini membuat saya merasa terganggu, bahkan sampai sekarang, karena bukan seperti itu gambaran hubungan suami-istri yang ada dalam benak saya, dan bukan seperti itu perlakuan yang sepantasnya dari seorang suami kepada istrinya – yang tengah hamil pula! Saya kira pernikahan itu akan membuat orang menjadi bahagia, tapi yang saya lihat adalah setelah orang menikah, mereka malah cenderung memisahkan diri dari pasangannya masing-masing.

Padahal usia perkawinan teman saya itu baru dua tahun. Astaga! Dua tahun aja udah garing kayak gitu, gimana nanti kalau sudah dua puluh tahun, misalnya? Apakah itu sebabnya banyak suami-suami yang selingkuh dan istri-istri yang kecanduan operasi plastik demi mempercantik dirinya – biar suaminya ngga kabur digondol kucing, eh perempuan lain?

Kadang saya terheran-heran melihat orang-orang ini. Dari wajahnya saja sudah kelihatan jelas kalau mereka tidak bahagia, tapi mereka tidak melakukan apa-apa untuk mengubah itu. Padahal kebahagiaan adalah yang dicari oleh semua orang di dunia ini. Saya tidak mengerti, apakah mungkin mereka terlalu takut untuk mencoba mencari sesuatu yang lebih dari yang mereka dapatkan sekarang, atau mungkin mereka berpikir bahwa apa yang mereka punya saat ini sudah cukup? Apakah kalau mereka keluar dari zona nyaman mereka, kemungkinan mereka malahan akan berakhir di posisi yang lebih parah dari sebelumnya?

Nggak heran kalau lagunya Black Eyed Peas yang berjudul Where’s The Love itu ngetop banget. Secara kemungkinan orang-orang itu sadar kalau hidup mereka kekurangan cinta, tapi karena mereka cuma bisa mengekspresikannya dalam nyanyian, ya menyanyilah mereka.

Where’s The Love …?

when two people are in love and everything feels right, what is left to expect from them but the celebration of tying them together in a form of marriage? It’s a legal institution that is the dream of most women – and the dread of most men – in the world, and the mystery which holds the entire universe together.

But is it wrong, however, for two people who are in love to not want to get married simply because they cannot see the importance of it?

If then someone responses, “But marriage gives you the security that unmarried couples don’t have!”, does it mean that people who get married are in fact feeling insecured about their relationships that they feel the need to tie it into a bond that can only be broken by divorce?

If then someone also responses, “But if you don’t get married you will be alienated by the society and the rest of your family because it’s simply unacceptable and out of the norm to want to be together forever and yet not married to each other,” does it mean that people who are already married and end up having affairs are more acceptable than those who chose not to get married but remain to be faithful to each other?

If then someone responses yet again, “But don’t you want to declare your love to the whole world?”, does it mean that those who believe that being in a relationship only involves the very two people in it are in fact, mistaken and that it is more acceptable for mothers or fathers-in-laws to interfere about their children’s marriage and let the mistake from their forefathers continues on for the next seventh generation?

And if then someone finally responses, “But don’t you want to make your parents happy and give them the peace of mind knowing that you are in a legal relationship with your partner?”, does it mean that parents earn the rights to be given the peace of mind but the children are not given the same priviledge?

Can’t the world just accept the fact that marriage is no longer a sacred thing because so many people have abused and misused its meaning?

You don’t get married to feel more secure.

You don’t get married because you want to have sex everyday.

You don’t get married to keep your husband on the leash, as what most women tend to think.

You don’t get married because you need to upgrade your social status.

You don’t get married because the world thinks you’re too old not to be married.

You don’t get married to make your parents happy.

You don’t get married because you are worried that it might not happen at all if you keep delaying it – as what some people always say.

You also don’t get married because you think it will make your love stronger – it either is or isn’t.

If it is, in fact, one of the most important phases of people’s lives, then why do I rarely see it giving the happiness that they so deserve out of it?

Now I know why it happened – even if I did it absent-mindedly. Deep down in my heart, a lot deeper than I dared to admit, I knew that the person that I was being with at that time was not the right one for me. It wasn’t fair on him and it definitely wasn’t fair on me either.

Because I wanted someone extra-ordinary. Sue me for wanting something so far beyond the reach, but I believe this is what everyone yearns and long for, even if their hearts have been bruised and broken to pieces for so many times.

The difference is that back then it hadn’t even crossed my mind to think that I could believe in something that seems so unattainable. That was why I always ended up settling for second bests – thinking it was okay for not being treated exactly the way I wanted to and that I would prefer to be a part of a couple rather than sitting at home alone on Saturday nights and flicking furiously over the TV channels.

But when you are being with the wrong person, there are so many signs telling you that it isn’t right.

Like always feeling lonely even if he is right beside you.
Or missing him purely out of physical presence but when you meet him and all the missing is done, there is nothing left for you to feel.
Always wanting to work things out – or even struggling to make things work, even though deep down you are exhausted by it.
Feeling exasperated for not being able to understand what goes on in his mind, and not being able to communicate the way you want to that you end up consulting those who are closest to you for some answers.
Reading so many self-help books on love and in the end feeling even more confused than before. And even if there is nothing specifically wrong with your relationship, you still feel hollow inside.

Like wearing a dress that somewhat doesn’t fit you right – the arm-holes being too high, or the waist a tad bit too tight, or the sleeves too firm to your liking. And no matter what alterations you’ve done to it, you are still not satisfied with it. That upon finding the dress and knowing that it’s not for you, you go a head and purchase it anyway, simply because you want it so bad to be yours. Until you realize that what you are wearing is probably reserved for someone else, not you.

Sometimes this realization hits you hard in the heart, and when I think of the people around me having had to mend their broken hearts because of having to make so many alterations to their hearts, it pains me to know that I am powerless to prevent them from hurting, when all I can do is say soothing words and let them take their lives to their own courses.

Maybe it’s just my own selfish reaction to things – I want to prevent what could have gone wrong. Let it only be me who have done it, experienced it, lived it and went through it. But I know that’s not how life works. Everyone must go through their own ups and downs to truly learn what they really want. But still – I feel so helpless.

If Faith is so easy to gather, I could have stayed in the right track. I could have saved myself from the histories of life I wish had never happened, of which I am still ashamed of up to this day. If Faith could have saved me earlier, I would have not done the things that I would regret.

But Faith only comes when you are sitting in your bed in the darkness of the night, when all things around you seem dead and lifeless, and you are crying for no reason but the sadness within you that doesn’t seem to want to go away. When you feel that nothing can save you. No one is hearing you. When you feel completely, heartbreakingly alone. Just a tiny speckle of dust in this immensely frightful world.

I don’t think people are afraid of being alone. It’s not the feeling of loneliness that frightens them, but the feeling that they are not understood. That there is no one out there who can see them for who they are. That they are born into this world for a lifelong journey in search for their other halves, because only through those people that they can see themselves clearly and find their purpose in life.

But I did not know all this before. All I knew was that I had to keep hoping, no matter how insignificant it might seem to me. Having parents who no longer speak to each other let alone live under the same roof, being stuck to a dead-end job and feeling worthless because the overseas degree that I earned didn’t prepare me for the ruthless life of the politics at work, and having no sense of purpose whatsoever in my life – it was hard for me to stay positive.

But I started by saying thank you – for everything. For such a beautiful morning. For all the food I was blessed to have. For having a job. For not being disabled. For being alive.

I knew of this – I wasn’t tired of life. I just didn’t want to go through it alone. I might have ignored the presence of something greater than me, hovering about and waiting patiently for me to ask for help. And I was thankful that I didn’t leave it out too late.

And I finally recognized it – all this time my hand was being held. That I have something in me that is more magnificent than anything else. Although it could not be seen to the naked eyes, it felt incredibly real right up to my solar plexus.

And that, is Faith.